Where does the time go, I mean, really, WHERE?

How did it get to be the end of summer with the kids going back to school this week? I haven't sat down with this blog since February and I can't figure out how that happened. I know I was in full craze mode working as hard as I could to make enough money to pay the bills and keep the house and take care of the kids and advocate for their needs and trying to find out what was making my daughter sick and trying to find ways to keep my son from flipping his desk over and then trying to find the right alternative school placement that fit his needs and then adjusting to my husband being back at work (thank heavens) and getting everyone where they needed to be over the summer so I could work and flooded out basement two times in one month and three kidney stones and who knows what else.


And I know that before I realize it, a new year will be upon me and then another and another. I guess that is how life goes. We make the time to do what we feel is most important to us at that particular moment or what demands our attention the most at a moment.  


At this particular moment, Connor is doing his utmost to demand my attention to get on this computer and I am doing my darndest to ignore and write - this is not an easy task. 

Yes, I like to talk, alot

Yep, that's me having a conversation with someone in line to the bathroom, at the doctor's office or anywhere I find another person. I love meeting new people and enjoy listening to their stories. I learn so much and it helps me to see life from a new perspective.


Yesterday I was a bit nervous talking. My children's psychiatrist asked me to speak to about 100 of her medical students about my experiences with autism. As I stood at the bottom of this huge lecture hall, my nervousness went away. I was talking about my kids, and that is always fun for me.


I felt honored and hopeful to be asked to speak to a new generation of doctors. The medical profession is woefully uneducated about our kids and their unique needs. Wouldn't it be great if every teaching hospital had parents share a bit of their lives?

New Year New Me

Ahhh, a New Year brings thoughts of new beginnings. I hung up the new calendar - all fresh and clean. It is the future in my hands - all bright and shiny and full of possibility. And I see in this new calendar a new me. At the tender age of 46, I see a new me trying to fight it's way out of the old me, trying it's best to be born into this new year of possibilities.


The new me is someone who will take care of her body, mind and soul, instead of neglecting it at the bottom of a too-long list. The new me is someone who will take her time and enjoy the moment, instead of rushing by. The new me is someone who will stop, listen and play with her children, instead of worrying about completing some unimportant task. The new me is someone who will see her children as children, not as children with labels.


I think I like this new me already.

A New Thanksgiving Perspective

I took a look at my post from last Thanksgiving and I remember keenly how I felt that day. Life was so overwhelming for me that I couldn't even see the good in my life. This year I feel totally different.

I think a few things have contributed to my improved state of mind. First, I have come to  find some peace and acceptance regarding autism and my family. A lot of my anger has subsided, and this has allowed me to see my world much more positively. Second, I have been quite ill these last 6 weeks with complications from surgery. I couldn't even get up without my husband's help. I went from bed to bathroom to couch to bed - that's it. I couldn't interact with my kids or do the things I normally do with them. The last few days I have begun walking (albeit slowly and with a limp) without my crutches and I feel a sense of joy with each step.


All those sayings we've heard such as "it's always darkest before the dawn" or "you never appreciate what you have until you lose it" apply to me. Our family has made it through the darkest stage of grief and have found the dawn to be beautiful. I now appreciate the simple activities of life that I missed so much while sick and I also understand that life goes on even when I am on the sidelines.


On this Thanksgiving morning gratitude fills my heart.

Learning to Deceive

It's a typical childhood milestone - learning to deceive our parents! And I am pleased to report that Connor is trying his best to pull the wool over my eyes. Yesterday he came in from school and said, "I had good behavior. Can I go on the computer?" (The computer is a huge motivator for him.) I told him sure, only to be interrupted by my husband asking Connor if he had something to show me. It was so cute and perfect - Connor tried to hide his "yellow light" and then came over to me and tried to smooth it over with hugs. It was all I could do not to laugh. He has started to pretend that he is sick so he can stay home from school. He uses his best acting abilities as he coughs, holds his stomach or rubs his head. He also asks me to do something when my husband has already told him "no" - the old pit parent against parent trick.


I am so excited that he has learned this skill! Why? It shows me that he completely understands that he can manipulate me or the situation to get what he desires - quite a high level skill. I remember trying these techniques, unsuccessfully, myself as I was growing up. 


So as I write this, I am sitting with a smile on my face wondering what he will come up with next. 

The Futility of Worry

I know worry, all too well. It is one of life's constant companions for most of us. It may take different forms, but it is the same beast. It steals our peace of mind and replaces it with thoughts of dire situations and catastrophic outcomes. 


Worry came to visit me the other night around 1am, when I was trying my best to fall asleep. The beast took the form of high school. "Where would I send Connor to high school?" sent my mind racing furiously in circles. Never mind that Connor is in the second grade and I have a few years before that decision needs to be made. The beast had taken over and sleep eluded me for some time that night. It took quite an effort to stop that beast.


I woke up shortly after to the dog throwing up all over the house. Later that day I received a text from my husband that Connor had pulled the fire alarm at school. Of course, everyone at the school thought it was a real fire, and the fire department responded accordingly. Connor's teacher asked if the Chief would speak to Connor about the importance of NOT pulling the fire alarm. As the Chief was kindly trying to explain this to Connor, Connor was more interested in his red pen!


I have sent information to both our local police and fire departments about the free autism training for first responders each year at the Autism One Conference. Children and adults with autism may act differently than the neurotypical person, and confusion in the past has brought tragic consequences for people on the spectrum. I just assumed it would be a LONG time before Connor's first interaction with someone addressed as Chief!


See, the point is, had I known the night before when the worry beast invaded my mind that I SHOULD worry about false fire alarms instead of high school choices, I could have had a conversation with Connor in the morning. I would have told him NOT to touch a fire alarm even though it is fire prevention week and the alarm does have PULL written clearly on it! And I could have gotten more sleep too. The dog probably would still have thrown up though.

Back to School!

One more week and the kids start a new school year. We spent part of the morning putting name labels on pencils and notebooks. There is something exciting about new school supplies. They beckon with the promise of new possibilities and unwritten futures.

At the end of each school year when we are reviewing Connor's progress, I am always amazed at his growth. I am trying to remember that now, as I feel the jitters deep in my belly as the first day approaches. It's not that I am nervous about Connor's teacher, aide, or school - they are all fantastic! I'm more concerned that he is another year older, a seven year old going into second grade - the world around us expects more from our kids with each year.

I can't help but wonder how he will do in school this year. I want concrete answers, but I know that is impossible. It's hard for even me, who knows him better than anyone on this planet, to know what he will do the next moment - so I know the impossibility of predicting the upcoming year.

I am trying to relax and enjoy the promise of new possibilities and unwritten futures. But, dang, it is hard.